Oh Baby
WHAT?
It seems that things tragic either happen in slow motion or too quickly and vaguely to even realize what is going on. I'm not sure which is better but the latter happened to me recently. June 5th to be exact. I won't go into details (for your benefit, not that I mind), but after a series of events, tests, and a doctor's visit, it was determined that I had suffered a miscarriage. I was 6 weeks along. Did I mention I had surgery to block my tubes over 5 years ago? Yeah. And I had nothing to worry about for over 5 years. But things can change, and they did. The medical term is "failed tubal obstruction". Ya don't say? What I had suspected was confirmed by my doctor. I wasn't even sure how to feel because my mind was so far from this situation ever happening again, the situation meaning pregnancy. Last time I became pregnant I was planning it, taking vitamins, preparing my body to house another body (or 2) for the next 9 months, but this time, I wasn't prepared and I didn't even realize what was going on until it was too late. I didn't even think it was possible. I am on 3 different medicines that are not recommended during pregnancy. I'm not taking prenatal vitamins. I'm not drinking water like it's going out of style. My body just wasn't prepared. Because I didn't know it needed to be. In a way I feel like I failed this child because I didn't give it the fighting chance it deserved. Would this child have made it had I not been on medicine or been more prepared? I don't know the answer and I never will. I just have to hold fast to the promise that God made, which is that "All things work together for good to those who love the Lord," Romans 8:28. I'm not trying to be preachy at all, but this verse comes to my mind so very often and I take great comfort in it.
WHY?
At first, I questioned whether or not this happened because God wanted me to have another child. I mean, I had a procedure done over 5 years ago to block my tubes (Adiana) and I STILL got pregnant after a test confirmed they were blocked. Was He trying to tell me something? For the couple of days when I thought I was pregnant(and was), it was exciting to think about (but even more so, scary, considering the circumstances). But then I remembered my one and only experience with pregnancy and birth. It was worth it, but it wasn't fun. And if it went like that again, I couldn't be the mom that Hutch and Anniston need me to be. To top that off, my OB told me at one of my follow up appointments after the birth of H and A that I should not do it again because my body did not handle pregnancy very well. I talked to a woman that I greatly respect and told her my predicament. She told me that God can use me in many other ways that do not involve a child and if I didn't want another one, to do something about it. I want to be sure I am clear about one thing though: had this pregnancy been viable, I would have loved that child more than life itself and he/she would have been a most welcome addition to our family and been such a blessing to all of us.
So now I have to do something about it. My doctor told me I had a few options. Her first recommendation was a salpingectomy, which is the removal of my Fallopian tubes. Her next suggestion was the snip snip for Brandon. That was what I was leaning toward. I mean, I've already had a c-section and a sterilization procedure. It's his turn, right?? But the more I looked into it, I found out that having my Fallopian tubes removed makes the most sense, and I would like to explain why. Ovarian cancer is one of the hardest cancers to detect and has one of the highest mortalities of all cancers because by the time it is found, it is in the latter stages. It has been a very misunderstood cancer and in the past couple of years, researchers have realized that they weren't looking in the right place. They have found that more than half (up to 84%) of ovarian cancer begins in the Fallopian tubes. Until very recently, doctors have recommended that women get their ovaries removed any time they were having any other abdominal surgery to prevent the chance of ovarian cancer, but this can cause premature menopause and other associated problems. The new recommendation is to have the Fallopian tubes removed to help prevent ovarian cancer, since much of ovarian cancer begins in the Fallopian tubes. I decided that since I have a health benefit to this surgery, and Brandon would have no benefit with his, that I would do it. I will have my surgery next Wednesday, August 2nd. With this surgery, there will absolutely be no way I can get pregnant anymore. Well, actually I could have in vitro done, but I can't "naturally" get pregnant :) It is an outpatient surgery and I am not scared or worried at all. My only concern was H & A and where they would be during the surgery and in the immediate recovery at home, but my parents are taking them on a trip the morning of my surgery and will bring them home the next afternoon. This trip could not have happened at a better time. I have been told that it is a somewhat quick recovery; however, I had a surgery with a similar method and surgical sites (ovarian drilling) before I had H and A, and it was a week long recovery for me due to shoulder pain so I am not expecting to run a marathon the next day. Or ever for that matter, ha! And for those of you who are wondering, I do not tolerate the pill very well and do not trust IUDs so no, those aren't options!!
STAGES
If you have ever had a sterilization procedure, you know that there is an amount of grieving that goes along with it. Even if you don't want any more children, just knowing that you CAN'T have anymore is something you have to accept in your life. It's because we are scared we will want something that we can't have. For me, I have always told myself that if I wanted another child badly enough, I would adopt and I still feel that way. I have already gone through this grieving process with my first procedure. I'm not sure that I will go through it again this time. Can you re-grieve something that you already put behind you? I'm not sure but I will soon find out. I really don't think I will but time will tell. I am just so thankful and content with Hutch and Anniston and love being so involved with both of them. It's one of the perks of having twins I guess :) The kids knew that I was pregnant and knew that I had a miscarriage and their responses were very interesting. When we found out I was pregnant, Anniston was very worried about me because she knew I was worried. Hutch didn't seem to care much. However, after I lost the baby, Anniston said she didn't want me to have another baby and Hutch said he DID want me to. Interesting......
If you are still reading, thank you for reading my story. My reasons for writing it were:
1. For me to debrief
2. To raise awareness of the reasons and benefits of prophylactic salpingectomy.
3. To maintain my commitment to being real and honest with others in an ongoing effort to help others to do the same. I believe if we were all transparent, the world would be a better place.
Much love,
Kelly
It seems that things tragic either happen in slow motion or too quickly and vaguely to even realize what is going on. I'm not sure which is better but the latter happened to me recently. June 5th to be exact. I won't go into details (for your benefit, not that I mind), but after a series of events, tests, and a doctor's visit, it was determined that I had suffered a miscarriage. I was 6 weeks along. Did I mention I had surgery to block my tubes over 5 years ago? Yeah. And I had nothing to worry about for over 5 years. But things can change, and they did. The medical term is "failed tubal obstruction". Ya don't say? What I had suspected was confirmed by my doctor. I wasn't even sure how to feel because my mind was so far from this situation ever happening again, the situation meaning pregnancy. Last time I became pregnant I was planning it, taking vitamins, preparing my body to house another body (or 2) for the next 9 months, but this time, I wasn't prepared and I didn't even realize what was going on until it was too late. I didn't even think it was possible. I am on 3 different medicines that are not recommended during pregnancy. I'm not taking prenatal vitamins. I'm not drinking water like it's going out of style. My body just wasn't prepared. Because I didn't know it needed to be. In a way I feel like I failed this child because I didn't give it the fighting chance it deserved. Would this child have made it had I not been on medicine or been more prepared? I don't know the answer and I never will. I just have to hold fast to the promise that God made, which is that "All things work together for good to those who love the Lord," Romans 8:28. I'm not trying to be preachy at all, but this verse comes to my mind so very often and I take great comfort in it.
WHY?
At first, I questioned whether or not this happened because God wanted me to have another child. I mean, I had a procedure done over 5 years ago to block my tubes (Adiana) and I STILL got pregnant after a test confirmed they were blocked. Was He trying to tell me something? For the couple of days when I thought I was pregnant(and was), it was exciting to think about (but even more so, scary, considering the circumstances). But then I remembered my one and only experience with pregnancy and birth. It was worth it, but it wasn't fun. And if it went like that again, I couldn't be the mom that Hutch and Anniston need me to be. To top that off, my OB told me at one of my follow up appointments after the birth of H and A that I should not do it again because my body did not handle pregnancy very well. I talked to a woman that I greatly respect and told her my predicament. She told me that God can use me in many other ways that do not involve a child and if I didn't want another one, to do something about it. I want to be sure I am clear about one thing though: had this pregnancy been viable, I would have loved that child more than life itself and he/she would have been a most welcome addition to our family and been such a blessing to all of us.
So now I have to do something about it. My doctor told me I had a few options. Her first recommendation was a salpingectomy, which is the removal of my Fallopian tubes. Her next suggestion was the snip snip for Brandon. That was what I was leaning toward. I mean, I've already had a c-section and a sterilization procedure. It's his turn, right?? But the more I looked into it, I found out that having my Fallopian tubes removed makes the most sense, and I would like to explain why. Ovarian cancer is one of the hardest cancers to detect and has one of the highest mortalities of all cancers because by the time it is found, it is in the latter stages. It has been a very misunderstood cancer and in the past couple of years, researchers have realized that they weren't looking in the right place. They have found that more than half (up to 84%) of ovarian cancer begins in the Fallopian tubes. Until very recently, doctors have recommended that women get their ovaries removed any time they were having any other abdominal surgery to prevent the chance of ovarian cancer, but this can cause premature menopause and other associated problems. The new recommendation is to have the Fallopian tubes removed to help prevent ovarian cancer, since much of ovarian cancer begins in the Fallopian tubes. I decided that since I have a health benefit to this surgery, and Brandon would have no benefit with his, that I would do it. I will have my surgery next Wednesday, August 2nd. With this surgery, there will absolutely be no way I can get pregnant anymore. Well, actually I could have in vitro done, but I can't "naturally" get pregnant :) It is an outpatient surgery and I am not scared or worried at all. My only concern was H & A and where they would be during the surgery and in the immediate recovery at home, but my parents are taking them on a trip the morning of my surgery and will bring them home the next afternoon. This trip could not have happened at a better time. I have been told that it is a somewhat quick recovery; however, I had a surgery with a similar method and surgical sites (ovarian drilling) before I had H and A, and it was a week long recovery for me due to shoulder pain so I am not expecting to run a marathon the next day. Or ever for that matter, ha! And for those of you who are wondering, I do not tolerate the pill very well and do not trust IUDs so no, those aren't options!!
STAGES
If you have ever had a sterilization procedure, you know that there is an amount of grieving that goes along with it. Even if you don't want any more children, just knowing that you CAN'T have anymore is something you have to accept in your life. It's because we are scared we will want something that we can't have. For me, I have always told myself that if I wanted another child badly enough, I would adopt and I still feel that way. I have already gone through this grieving process with my first procedure. I'm not sure that I will go through it again this time. Can you re-grieve something that you already put behind you? I'm not sure but I will soon find out. I really don't think I will but time will tell. I am just so thankful and content with Hutch and Anniston and love being so involved with both of them. It's one of the perks of having twins I guess :) The kids knew that I was pregnant and knew that I had a miscarriage and their responses were very interesting. When we found out I was pregnant, Anniston was very worried about me because she knew I was worried. Hutch didn't seem to care much. However, after I lost the baby, Anniston said she didn't want me to have another baby and Hutch said he DID want me to. Interesting......
If you are still reading, thank you for reading my story. My reasons for writing it were:
1. For me to debrief
2. To raise awareness of the reasons and benefits of prophylactic salpingectomy.
3. To maintain my commitment to being real and honest with others in an ongoing effort to help others to do the same. I believe if we were all transparent, the world would be a better place.
Much love,
Kelly
Just, wow. Thanks, Kelly. I wish I could be so open. Holding in our struggles & suffering only amplifies them. Thanks for sharing. I'm so glad to know you. You're a blessing.
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