It's OK if you don't

After my last blog post, I had numerous people text, call, email, and mention to me in person that the post had helped them with their personal experiences with depression and anxiety. It even encouraged a few people to seek treatment for issues that they had, to that point, been too ashamed or too hesitant to seek help for. My goal in writing the post was to help others cope with a subject that most people do not wish to speak about. I told myself that if I helped even ONE person, it was worth it and that I would continue to write on other subjects that not many people wish to speak of but that many people can benefit from or may be dealing with. 

I strive to be a "real" person and do not have any intention to present myself as someone I am not, which is why I am passionate about writing and getting my opinion out there to the world. If more people would be real, stop trying to impress others, and speak openly about their struggles, we could all relate to each other and encourage each other in this journey of life rather than berate, guilt and try to outdo and impress one another. 

This next subject is one that every mother can relate to. And no matter what side of the fence you are on or if you are OK with either side like me, I hope you will benefit from it or at least gain another perspective on the issue.

I wrote the following article when my children were 11 months old. Multiple parenting magazines would not publish it because it didn't fit their standards of what is best for babies. Fast forward 7 years and 2 months to today and I can tell you that I have two healthy, happy, and exceptionally smart children who have bonded quite well with yours truly. Just ask anyone who knows me :)

Without further adieu....

It’s OK If You Don’t

When breast is not best

By Kelly Weaver, RN, BSN

Starting out     

I had every intention to breastfeed my twins. I had a birth plan that specifically stated, “No bottles or pacifiers in the nursery.” Things changed when I had a last minute c-section and gave birth to my babies 4 ½ weeks early, landing one in the NICU. The other had feeding difficulties from day one. So I pumped. I had a great supply and planned to keep pumping until they could both latch. I quickly began to suffer from engorgement, deep nipple thrush, and mastitis. My babies ended up with thrush, and my milk was contaminated with yeast.  Between taking care of 2 newborns and recovering from both a c-section and 4 months of strict bed rest, there simply was not enough time to sit at the pump for 30 minutes every 3 hours AND get sleep.  Not to mention the intense pain that I was enduring with every beat of the pump. Does this seem like enough reason for me to give my babies formula? According to many, no. I should have kept pumping until my babies could nurse, no matter how long that may be, and continue to suffer while my body was trying to heal and I was trying to spend indispensible time with my two precious babies.  But I didn’t. I allowed myself to heal and rest and gave my babies the formula that has helped them thrive since they were a few weeks old. And for that I should have no regrets.

The decision

The push for breastfeeding has led our society to look down upon mothers who feed their babies formula. The decision to breastfeed or not is just that: a decision. Just as the decision of what type of car to drive or how to spend your weekend is solely yours, so is the decision of how to feed your baby. And for those of us who were either unable or chose not to breastfeed, we should be able to feed our babies formula from a bottle without feeling even a pang of guilt; however, when friends, family, and even strangers ask us if we are breastfeeding, and when most articles about babies assume that the mother is breastfeeding, it is hard to feel confident in this feeding method. What is the reason to ask a mother if she is breastfeeding anyway? If she is, that’s wonderful. If she’s not, you’ve left her feeling, yet again, guilty for something that at this point she cannot change, at least not easily.

Going back in time

Sometimes all of us wish we could turn back the hands of time. We can always imagine in our minds what we would have done differently in a particular situation; however, we all for the most part make the best decision we can at the time so trying to change the past is a waste of our time. I am guilty of it though. About four months after switching to formula I attempted to re-lactate. I felt really guilty about not giving my babies breast milk and felt that I was cheating them of an important bonding opportunity. Trying to get my milk back in was something I had to do to try to get rid of the guilt I was dealing with, but I don’t recommend it. I researched the process and found that success was possible, even for adoptive mothers. But I was unsuccessful, as I could not devote enough time every 3 hours to the pump while caring for my babies. And I wasted 2 weeks of my life that I will never get back, all for nothing. I am learning to be at peace with my decision. My babies love their bottles and their mommy, so I have not done them any harm in that department.

Pros and cons

Breastfeeding is a wonderful thing. It is healthy for both the baby and the mother, is a bonding opportunity, and is for the most part free of charge. Aside from the financial standpoint though, formula feeding can be all of these things too. A bottle feeding mother does not have to worry if she is eating enough of the appropriate foods in order to have healthy breast milk, as formula contains all of the essential nutrients and vitamins that a baby needs. Many formulas now even contain DHA, ARA, nucleotides, antioxidants, prebiotics and probiotics, which are all naturally found in breast milk. Formula has come a long way in terms of nutritional value and is closer than ever to breast milk.  And whoever said that you can’t bond while giving a baby a bottle is mistaken. My babies have had bottles since birth, and we have bonded in a way I never imagined possible. 

In addition to the reasons already mentioned, there are many other reasons why women either choose not to breastfeed or choose to stop. Some mothers are unable to breastfeed due to medications they are taking, infections they may have, such as HIV, delivery complications such as retained placenta, or the fact that some mothers simply just don’t produce enough milk, especially those with multiples. Working mothers who rely on a pump during the day are more likely to have a diminished milk supply since the baby is more efficient at getting milk than the pump. Postpartum depression can also play a role in the decision to use formula. For some mothers, modesty is a concern. For others, it’s convenience. While exclusively breastfeeding is the most convenient of all, when a pump is involved all convenience of breast milk is lost.  Many breastfeeding mothers say that nursing a baby feels so natural but for others there is nothing natural about it. Nursing can be uncomfortable, painful, and stressful.

Uncomplicated, term, single births tend to yield a higher degree of breastfeeding success, as a nursing relationship can be established immediately. Preterm, complicated, and multiple deliveries, which require mothers to use a pump from the start, tend to lead to complications in establishing a successful nursing relationship. That is not to say that the mother of a single full term baby who delivered vaginally will have any less trouble than a mother of twins delivered prematurely by Caesarean section. Just as every baby is different, so is every mother’s situation when it comes to breastfeeding.

There are also many advantages to bottle feeding. These include the opportunity for the mother to log more than 3 hours of sleep at a time when she needs it most, freedom for the mother to be away from the baby as long as needed, an opportunity for the father to be involved in feeding on a regular basis, knowing how much the baby is taking in, being able to easily feed the baby in public places without worrying about modesty or having to find a private place to nurse, and the absence of any pain associated with nursing, just to name a few.

The guilt

One of the reasons that many mothers prolong the decision to switch to formula is the guilt and pressure that they feel from family members, friends, even strangers. During one of my visits to the NICU I asked a lactation consultant if I should supplement with formula until my milk was free from yeast.  She told me that yeasty milk was better than formula. Really? Because my babies were much happier with formula than they were with the painful thrush my milk gave them and the bitter medication they were required to take for it. For some, permission is all it takes for a mother to finally throw in the towel. Just to have someone say, “It’s ok to stop,” can be all a suffering, stressed mother needs to hear. I was fortunate, as my family and doctors were supportive of my decision. Others are pressured and guilted by husbands, mothers, friends, lactation consultants, and most importantly, themselves. It’s time to let go of the guilt. We are all doing the best we can.

A good mother

Breastfeeding does not make you a good mother just as bottle feeding does not make you a bad mother. What makes a good mother is love, compassion, and sacrifice. You can accomplish all of these things without ever giving a baby an ounce of breast milk. So, is breastfeeding a good option? Yes, but so is bottle feeding. What your baby really needs is a happy, healthy you. So breastfeed if you choose, but it’s OK if you don’t.

Kelly Weaver is a registered nurse and a mother of healthy, bottlefed twins. She resides in Nashville, Tennessee, with her husband Brandon.