My Dark Day
It happened exactly 3 years ago. I woke up crying. I never cry. I went on about my morning with my two 4 year olds at home. Made breakfast, brushed teeth, all the usual. But I couldn't stop crying. "Mommy, why are you crying?" I heard over and over. They had never seen me cry. All I could say was, "I don't know." My heart was racing, I had a sense of confusion all around me. I didn't know what was going on. I called Brandon at work, still crying. "Come home. I'm really upset and I don't know why." Considering the fact that I literally NEVER cried, he knew it was a big deal and came home right away. My mother in law came and got the kids. And I kept crying. The soonest I could get in to my psychiatrist was around 4:30pm that day. So Brandon stayed with me all day and then took me in.
Now let me backtrack. I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 18. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 18. I've been on psychiatric medication since then too. With a few exceptions. I did not take anything when I was pregnant. And over the course of these past 15 years I've tried hormone replacement, vitamins, chiropractic therapy, counseling, and good, old fashioned "just deal with it". None of it works. Except medicine. But here's the thing: medicine works great. But I get all the side effects that come with it that you don't want, including overwhelming fatigue, tremors, anxiety, and mood swings. So while many people try alternative therapies because they don't want to take medicine, I tried them because I didn't like the side effects of the medicine. At one point I was on additional medicines to control the side effects of the antidepressant I was on and it was just a mess. I am extremely thankful for modern medicine and while I don't take anything at face value even in medicine, I do believe that God has given man the ability and expertise to make drugs to help our bodies function properly. We just have to figure out which one is right for us. It took me awhile to do that.
I am currently on a "cocktail" of medications that works for me. I honestly don't know how many different medications I've tried over the years. But I found a combo that works now and I'm not changing it. I've also recently had genetic testing done to confirm that the medications I am on are processed by my body effectively.
Prior to my breakdown, I had taken a certain class of medications for 12+ years. I had tried various types of SSRIs and they all had the same effect on me. They helped the depression but made me really tired. So, under a doctor's care, I got off of that medication (Paxil) and started on another medication (buproprion) in a different drug class. Then two weeks later, the breakdown happened. I thought I was in the clear and had made the transition just fine. WRONG. When they say it stays in your system for a long time, believe them. But also know that when it's out, it's out.
I was in withdrawal. By the time I got to my psychiatrist I was shaking all over and still crying. For the first, and hopefully last time ever, I got a glimpse into the life of someone who dealt with addiction. I wanted to take my Paxil SO bad. By this time I had figured out that stopping it was the root of this, and I wanted nothing more than that little pill. Thankfully I didn't have any left.
My doctor ended up putting me on a med similar to Paxil, but that was easier to come off of. Supposedly. I haven't tried. It took a couple days, but I was back to my normal self in just a few days. We've made some adjustments since then, but nothing major. Any time she asks me if I want to change anything, the answer is always NO.
I am writing all this because I want to bring awareness to everyone about mental health. It's just as important as physical health, and really, they are one in the same. Even today there is still a stigma about mental illness and I would love nothing more than to end that. If you had something wrong with your heart, you would take medicine and seek treatment. Same with your brain. There are many reasons for depression: genetic, situational, PTSD, etc. But the treatment is the same. My depression is genetic. I've had a great life and been blessed far more than I could have ever imagined but I still deal with depression. My brain needs a little medication to help it function properly. And I'm not ashamed to say it.
Please share this post with anyone you wish to. And if you would ever like to talk about what you are dealing with, I'll always listen. I've been at the bottom. And I know that it's nowhere anyone wants to be.
Love,
Kelly
Now let me backtrack. I've been seeing a psychiatrist since I was 18. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 18. I've been on psychiatric medication since then too. With a few exceptions. I did not take anything when I was pregnant. And over the course of these past 15 years I've tried hormone replacement, vitamins, chiropractic therapy, counseling, and good, old fashioned "just deal with it". None of it works. Except medicine. But here's the thing: medicine works great. But I get all the side effects that come with it that you don't want, including overwhelming fatigue, tremors, anxiety, and mood swings. So while many people try alternative therapies because they don't want to take medicine, I tried them because I didn't like the side effects of the medicine. At one point I was on additional medicines to control the side effects of the antidepressant I was on and it was just a mess. I am extremely thankful for modern medicine and while I don't take anything at face value even in medicine, I do believe that God has given man the ability and expertise to make drugs to help our bodies function properly. We just have to figure out which one is right for us. It took me awhile to do that.
I am currently on a "cocktail" of medications that works for me. I honestly don't know how many different medications I've tried over the years. But I found a combo that works now and I'm not changing it. I've also recently had genetic testing done to confirm that the medications I am on are processed by my body effectively.
Prior to my breakdown, I had taken a certain class of medications for 12+ years. I had tried various types of SSRIs and they all had the same effect on me. They helped the depression but made me really tired. So, under a doctor's care, I got off of that medication (Paxil) and started on another medication (buproprion) in a different drug class. Then two weeks later, the breakdown happened. I thought I was in the clear and had made the transition just fine. WRONG. When they say it stays in your system for a long time, believe them. But also know that when it's out, it's out.
I was in withdrawal. By the time I got to my psychiatrist I was shaking all over and still crying. For the first, and hopefully last time ever, I got a glimpse into the life of someone who dealt with addiction. I wanted to take my Paxil SO bad. By this time I had figured out that stopping it was the root of this, and I wanted nothing more than that little pill. Thankfully I didn't have any left.
My doctor ended up putting me on a med similar to Paxil, but that was easier to come off of. Supposedly. I haven't tried. It took a couple days, but I was back to my normal self in just a few days. We've made some adjustments since then, but nothing major. Any time she asks me if I want to change anything, the answer is always NO.
I am writing all this because I want to bring awareness to everyone about mental health. It's just as important as physical health, and really, they are one in the same. Even today there is still a stigma about mental illness and I would love nothing more than to end that. If you had something wrong with your heart, you would take medicine and seek treatment. Same with your brain. There are many reasons for depression: genetic, situational, PTSD, etc. But the treatment is the same. My depression is genetic. I've had a great life and been blessed far more than I could have ever imagined but I still deal with depression. My brain needs a little medication to help it function properly. And I'm not ashamed to say it.
Please share this post with anyone you wish to. And if you would ever like to talk about what you are dealing with, I'll always listen. I've been at the bottom. And I know that it's nowhere anyone wants to be.
Love,
Kelly
Kelly! Thank you for sharing this. What amazing insight you have. Keep it up! Love to you and your precious family! Marcie Kindred
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